Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
