mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
