Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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