His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
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