I think my fart just growled at me.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
