So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
