if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
