people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize