it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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