I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
