before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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