I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
