I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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