Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.