He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
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I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
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I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?