fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
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I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
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I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex