Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"