The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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