I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
