This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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