you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize
