I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
