my soul wont recognize me after tonight
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
