Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
My ATM looks so different sober.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
