Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
