bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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