You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
