I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
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what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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