I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
