Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
