just come out here and I will go home with you...
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
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Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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