she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
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