If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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