I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
