great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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