don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
