I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
