It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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