someone get that fucking seahorse.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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