seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
