Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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