If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
