Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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