I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She tied me up with her honor cords...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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