I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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