Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
