You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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