they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
