I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
