I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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