your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
