apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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