Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
