i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
