I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
