He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
