Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
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I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
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Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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