In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
