I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
