you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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